Last December, I was still in the fog
still in the blur,
still in the trauma and in disbelief of the events surrounding my mom’s death
MAID was an experience that gave me the gift of witnessing death
at the same time I wasn’t prepared for what I was about to witness.
And now, as we approach the second Christmas, the weight of the tears feel heavier
the gravity of the loss feels even deeper
the extension of her love seems wider
The core of my being feels the magnitude of her absence.
I know she loved me and yet I wasn’t able to receive it for most of my years.
I wish that she was still here.
I wish that things were different.
I wish that she didn’t have to go so soon
I wish we could have had another day together
I held the tears from my family.
May I held the tears in while they cried.
I felt I had to be strong for her.
I felt I couldn’t be vulnerable in front of my brother
And I wanted to be strong for my son
but the reality is nobody was holding me
and I was holding my mom.
The only person that ever held me through all of my struggles
even though I resisted her love and even pushed her away most of the time
she stood firm
unwavering
always caring.
I stand at the edge of the precipice
wondering what will be waiting for me at the end of the exhale
when the pain starts being so tight
when the gripping in my heart softens
when I can relax into this experience and unfold without her.
There’s so many things I wish I could do different
that I wish I could change
that I wish I could go back and get a second chance
The ultimate way through regret is to let go of anger. 😡
We are supposed to be loving to all and it’s hard when your heart hurts
I will keep studying
I will keep praying
I will keep reaching
I will keep deepening
I will keep growing
I will keep expanding
I will keep extending and evolving
peeling the layers and expressing emotions
until the core essence emerges for love for everyone
until I can be compassionate to the other, including myself
Until I can be in
grace
and mercy
and atone
I’m still standing here
Despite all the dark and difficult days
I will continue to look for the sun to shine ☀️
