Have you ever reacted in response to what someone said? Felt activated or triggered? The key to understanding your emotional reactivity is to understand the concept of boundaries. Boundary setting is challenging for most of us because we are taught to put others needs, wants and desires ahead of our own. The attachment we feel to putting others first is difficult to break. As such, pleasing becomes the way we seek and obtain love. The good news is that every time you say “yes” to setting a new boundary you are saying “YES” to more freedom.
In order to set a new boundary, you have to take your own needs into consideration and prioritize them as being important. It means being conscious about choosing yourself over another person and no longer reacting or responding to someone else’s demands, requests, needs or crisis. Setting new boundaries will allow you to act from a place of intention and truth. Hand in hand with setting the new boundary is maintaining the new boundary.
This discussion about choosing yourself over another gets controversial because we are so used to putting other people’s needs ahead of our own and making their needs the priority, especially for women. Many find that it is a huge shift to all of a sudden put their own needs first. So, I want to be clear that I am NOT saying to discount the needs of others or to shirk your responsibilities. Instead, I want you to gain insight into the ways you default when a request is made of you. When a request is made of you do you automatically respond “yes” and then a minute later regret that decision and wish you had said “no”? Or are you afraid to disappoint anyone and that actually takes precedence over you letting maintaining a boundary? Ultimately, boundary setting is a call to self-inquiry about what it is you really want and desire.
As you begin to set new boundaries it can feel off balance and maybe even a little scary. When you start to operate from the place of what you want, it can feel like you have a new pair of legs and are learning to walk for the first time. At times, it will feel challenging to set a new boundary because you are so used to taking care of everyone else that this becomes a tough habit to break. Remember, you can let go of your super figure identity. The goal is to start rescuing yourself instead of everybody else. It is time that you have your own back. An important reason to commit to this process of setting new boundaries is because when you refuse to set one, you end up demonstrating and reinforcing the beliefs that run your inner dialogue, such as:
- “I am not enough”
- “I am not lovable”
- “The needs and opinions of others are more important than my own”
- “If I disagree with someone or ask for what I want I will end up alone and unloved.”
These are examples of beliefs that run in the background of our minds and contribute to our fears about setting boundaries. If you dig deeper, you might find that you have adopted these beliefs from someone else. These other people have taken up residence inside our heads. So wherever these opinions come from, it is your job to disengage and find your own voice. As you do, you will undoubtedly experience natural reactions that inhibit your progress and keep you stuck. Change is hard for most of us as we like to stick with what we know, what is familiar to us. Remember that there are no rewards when you rest in resistance. You will find yourself coming up with excuses for why you can’t set boundaries and worrying about what will happen if you do.
Trust that it is possible to achieve mental wellness. Pay attention to the excuses you use and how you might justify why you can’t set a boundary. A good place to begin is to start saying “no” when you typically would have said “yes”. Or, you can respond by saying “Thank you for asking me, can I get back to you?”. This gives you the time and space that you need to really check in with you about where your “yes” is coming from. Determining where your “yes” is coming from is a major component of boundary work. What is the driving force, intention and motivation that is the basis for your “yes”. There is a cascade effect to setting boundaries. As you set one, it will help you develop the courage to set another.
**KEY: Take a moment to visualize yourself saying “No” when you know you need to take care of yourself. Imagine meeting your own needs first. Imagine giving yourself what you need and satisfying your own internal desires instead of searching for that outside of yourself.
Learning to set boundaries has been a key step in regaining my mental health as I was so attached to keeping others happy that it superseded my own needs. I admittedly suffered from the disease to please.
Setting boundaries
The first question to ask yourself is: do you know when your boundary has been crossed? For the benefit of those that answer “No”– the answer is your boundary is crossed whenever you respond “yes” to a request and you really mean “no”. Have you ever been in the position where someone asks you to do something and before you take a moment to think about whether you actually want to fulfill the request, you automatically blurt out “yes” without thinking. Then, the minute they walk away, you find yourself saying “I wish I had said No”. That is a subtle, yet powerful, example of a boundary crossing. The goal is to make sure that when we say yes to any request that is made of us – we mean yes. In order to do this, we must change our immediate response from “yes” to “Can I get back to you?”. Then it is important to take some time to journal or reflect on the request – do you want to do it? If you don’t, then a suitable response is “Thank you for asking me, however, I am unable to help at this time.” If you can offer another solution, then great! But, don’t feel obligated to do so as it is not your problem to solve.
Most of us stretch ourselves too thin because we fill our time with too many activities, requests, errands, obligations, etc and then we often don’t allow ourselves enough time to get things done. Then we feel stressed which leads to irritability and frustration. Remember when we say yes, we want it to be a true “yes”.
**Key: In your Moving Beyond journal, reflect on if you ever say yes when you really mean no.
Another example of understanding boundaries comes from our emotions. At times, our boundary is crossed when we have a negative emotional reaction. This can be as subtle as saying to yourself “Hmmm, I wonder what she meant by that comment” as you raise your eyebrow contemplatively to as obvious as bursting into tears at an off-hand remark that is said or getting frustrated at your child because they don’t have their back pack ready in time and now they will be late for school.
That latter example is one that most parents can relate to. When my son was three years old I found that I was getting very frustrated and my level of irritation or anger was out of proportion to the situation. I found this emotionally exhausting and I did not like the type of parent I was in those moments. I also didn’t like the emotional hangover I would have if I lost my temper: shame, blame, guilt, disappointment in myself, beating myself up etc. Since I was swimming in uncharted emotional waters and felt like I was drowning, I sought support from my Naturopathic Doctor, a counselor and many self-help books. There is a palpable sigh of relief in the room when I share my own struggles and frustrations with my depressed patients who are parents. It helps them come out of the shame closet when they know that they are not alone. What is important is learning how to stop the shame game and how to effectively manage our emotions. Here are the steps that have helped me tremendously:
Step 1: Boundary crossing recognition
Steps 2-5: Emotional regulation steps
Step 6: Get professional help
Step 1: Recognize that your boundary is crossed. Your boundary may be crossed whenever you find yourself in emotional waters that are uncomfortable or you find yourself saying “yes” to requests, when you really mean “no”. Remember that the level of discomfort is not as important as having awareness that you are feeling uncomfortable emotionally.
Step 2: With boundary crossings that relate to emotional reactions, the question to ask yourself is “Whose shit is this and whose diaper is it in?” Essentially, you are trying to determine if you have something unresolved in you, they have something unresolved in them or you both have unresolved issues.
If you recognize that is your shit in your diaper, then your job is to do the work to resolve whatever emotional issue you might have that is smoldering in you. Ask yourself:
Have I taken something personally? If yes, your job is to let it go by doing the breath work outlined in Step 3 of the 7 R’s of working with problematic thoughts. Remember, a key concept is that “other people’s opinions of you are none of your business”81. I want you to pause and read that quote again slowly: other people’s opinions of you are none of your business. Many people suffer from the “disease to please” including myself. As a recovering people pleaser, I can say that letting go of other people’s opinions of me has been the medicine I needed. What is most important is not what others think of you, but what you think of you. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a supportive, considerate compassionate and loving way.
- If no, then ask yourself: Have I made an assumption? If yes, then you need to stay in the present moment with the breath until you can get answers/facts to whatever you have made an assumption about. We always want to deal with hard facts/reality/the truth and not the stories we make up in our heads with our “monkey minds”.
- If you haven’t made an assumption, then the next step is to see if you can identify a core belief underlying the emotion. If yes, rephrase and repeat Step 3 of the 7 R’s of working with problematic thoughts. If no,
- Bring awareness to your thoughts and write them down in your journal. Review what you have written and identify a thought that seems to be a trigger for you. Challenge that thought with the 4 question inquiry of “the Work” by Byron Katie : 1) Is it true? 2) Can you absolutely know that it's true? 3) How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? and 4) Who would you be without the thought?
- If you are still feeling emotionally stuck or the emotional wave has not subsided or calmed down with doing the above exercises then I suggest making an appointment with your counselor J
- Bring awareness to your thoughts and write them down in your journal. Review what you have written and identify a thought that seems to be a trigger for you. Challenge that thought with the 4 question inquiry of “the Work” by Byron Katie : 1) Is it true? 2) Can you absolutely know that it's true? 3) How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? and 4) Who would you be without the thought?
- If you haven’t made an assumption, then the next step is to see if you can identify a core belief underlying the emotion. If yes, rephrase and repeat Step 3 of the 7 R’s of working with problematic thoughts. If no,
Key ** In your Moving Beyond journal, write about a time when your boundary was crossed? How did you resolve it?
This is how learning to manage my emotions after my boundary was crossed looked for me. Note: the emotional rating scale I am using is from 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst and the incident is referring to times when my son isn’t listening to me in any given situation (ie getting ready for school, eating dinner, doing chores, getting off technology, getting ready for bed etc).
Incident 1: Lose my temper with no warning or awareness that I am going to lose my temper; Intensity rating: 20/10
Incident 2: Recognize I am getting irritated, yet unable to communicate what I am feeling before losing my temper: Intensity rating: 10/10
Incident 3: Recognize I am getting frustrated unable to communicate what I am feeling but leave the room to do the breath work as outlined in Step 3 of the 7 R’s of working with problematic thoughts. I ended up punching the pillow instead while I was out of sight and ear shot from my child. Intensity rating before leaving room: 9/10; Intensity rating after punching the pillow: 3/10
Incident 4: Recognize I am stressed, use my voice and say “I am feeling really stressed right now” in a not so calm tone, leave the room, punch the pillow, pick up my journal and start writing while I do the breath work. Intensity rating before leaving room: 9/10; Intensity rating after journaling: 1/10
Incident 5: Recognize the wave of irritation as it rises in me, calmly say to my son “I am feeling irritated right now because I don’t feel you are listening to me. I will count to 5.....One… Two…Three….Four….Four and ½….” – like magic, he responds. Intensity rating before counting: 3/10; Intensity rating after counting: 0/10
The point of the above example is to illustrate that this takes time and it is a process. With the right tools, level of awareness, compassion and understanding with yourself, you can learn to manage your emotions and boundaries. Granted, it may take longer if someone has serious anger management issues, but you have nothing but time and nothing to lose by putting into practice these suggestions. What you have to gain is hard to quantify: peace, calm, patience, serenity etc. Ultimately, the goal is to learn to respond to your life from a place of emotional calm – like a still lake - versus reacting with disruptive emotional waves – like you see in a lake during stormy weather.
*Key: In your Moving Beyond journal, write about when you recently had an emotional outburst. What was going on? Did you make an assumption? Had you taken something personally?
Copyright: Dr. Christina Bjorndal; Chapter excerpt from Beyond the Label: moving from the stigma and shame of mental illness to mental wellness
