- Relate. This one seems obvious – in order to have a relationship you have to relate to each other – having similar values that you share is key and things in common. There needs to be a common ground with the people in your circle. Now, this doesn’t mean you have to be a carbon copy of each other; however, there has to be a foundation of shared interests to build a relationship upon. Do you ever feel like you’re in a family that you don’t belong in? That you have nothing in common with your parents and/or siblings? This is where the phrase “friends are the family you choose” comes to mind. In order for a healthy relationship to flourish, you need a common ground in which you can plant your seed of connection and water it into a beautiful tree.
- Respect. Another foundational relationship building block is respect for one another. It’s OK if you don’t actually share the same opinions on every subject. You do not have to be exactly the same as your friend, parent, spouse, children or co-workers. What you have to be able to do is respect the other person, even if you disagree with their opinion on any given subject.
Most abandon relationships when faced with disagreement. This was highlighted throughout the pandemic. I experienced this first hand with the loss of a friendship during COVID given differing views on what constitutes health.
Here is the hard cold truth about conflict that I learned from Nancy Levin. She writes:
“The reason we fear conflict & want to avoid it is because when we avoid conflict, we think we are trying to avoid someone else’s anger or having a fight but the real issue with conflict is it highlights the fact that the relationship itself doesn’t hold water. The relationship itself is unhealthy.
For a relationship to flourish, both individuals need to express what they need in the form of a conscious connecting conversation. In many situations, one person is compromising, sacrificing their opinions, people pleasing, etc. because we *think* that is what will keep the peace. But what happens is it is not an authentic honest relationship. When we do that, we aren’t showing up in our truth. Our relationships are strained because we aren’t being honest and intimate because we are afraid that if we do, the person will not like us.
Conflict is an illumination of our differences. In a healthy relationship both of our differences are welcome – the truth of each of us is welcome in the conversation. If we are fearing conflict, then what we are really fearing is that the relationship itself is unhealthy. And this is the truth we don’t want to look at.”
Pandemic aside, relationships get strained all the time. One’s ability to navigate the strain, conflict, tension and upset can be sourced back to one’s trauma wounds. I know for myself, it is not easy for me to connect, love, give or be open to new people because I’m always protecting that tender part of my heart that was wounded at birth.
I used to be a relationship rescuer and people pleaser– meaning that I would suppress my feelings, thoughts, values and beliefs to save a relationship or fit in with you. Connection, community and security were important to me. What I didn’t realize is that in doing so, I was continually abandoning my truth and values and ultimately abandoning myself. I was losing myself piece by piece, conversation by conversation
with emotional suppression and repression to keep the peace. This quote from Brene Brown is a helpful reminder: “Don’t walk through the world looking for evidence that you don’t belong because you will always find it. Don’t walk through the world looking for evidence that you are not enough because you will always find it. Our worth and our belonging are not negotiated with other people. We carry those inside our hearts. I am clear who I am and I am not going to negotiate that with you.
I will negotiate a contract with you or a topic with you, but I am not going to negotiate who I am with you. Because then, I may fit in with you but I no longer belong to myself. And that is a betrayal that I no longer am willing to do."
- Reciprocity. Relationships are two-way street. You can’t have one person doing all the giving and another doing all the taking. If you are always putting in all the energy, you will become depleted. Relationships need to be in balance, ebbing and flowing, moving back and forth, the yin and the yang. The healthiest relationships I have are the ones where there is reciprocity.
Recently, I consciously decided to take a break from being the primary initiator of connection in the majority of my friendships and this was simply driven by a lack of time as I was the full time care giver for my mom over the last two years. A significant investment of my time went into that relationship which left me with little resources for any "extras". I became willing to see what will happen if I didn’t initiate contact – will the friendship die of the vine, barely survive or thrive? In the recent past, I have lost two dear friends (that were colleagues) suddenly to cancer, as well as my mom ‘s recent passing and I am reminded how precious time is. Be wise and discerning about who you spend your time it with.
- Repair. This is a key step in trauma work and can be a reason why relationships remain fragmented. For me, this step is very difficult. The phrase “once bitten, twice shy” comes to mind. The definition of repair is; fix or mend (a thing suffering from damage or a fault). Essentially, it means having a conscious conversation about the energy of an interaction and listening with compassion to another so that healing can occur. An apology may be required. Your capacity to forgive may be stretched. Your tolerance boundary may contract or expand. At the end of the day, it is up to you do decide if you want to try again or part ways – in love for yourself and the other.
If you have a strained relationship that you want to repair, then I encourage you to first get some guidance from a skilled practitioner for support. Only after you have compassionately supported yourself would I recommend reaching out to other.
For me the steps to repairing relationships have been.
- Get professional help to heal my wounded heart
- Seek to understand myself (self-compassion) and the other (using compassion)
- Acceptance
- Forgiveness – I have created a meditation for you – download it today as my gift to you❤
- Love.
And after doing the inner work, reach out – only if it feels safe to do so. Maybe you have outgrown that friendship, and that is perfectly okay. Letting go of relationships that are no longer serve your soul is also extremely valuable. Support yourself and make space for someone else to enter your life. And from Adam Grant: Strong relationships don’t need agreement. They need alignment. Agreement is having identical opinions. Alignment is having shared values. Agreement is taking the same path. Alignment is heading in the same direction. Closeness is a matter of commitment, not consensus.
- Renew. In order for your relationships to flourish, you have to continually connect, spend time together and renew your intentions. Remember, relationships are like a plant – if you don’t water, nurture, fertilize, talk nicely to it and give it sunshine - the plant will die. Humans are no different.
- Reassess. As you grow, you may outgrow some relationships & that is okay. I’ve learned not all relationships are worth saving, and to set healthy boundaries in service of my spirit. As my people pleasing problem stemmed from trauma, I was always putting everybody else ahead of my own needs and not expressing my truth, not standing up for myself, not speaking my views or sharing my experience.
We all have wounds and we speak from our place of woundedness. Communication problems, tension and conflict arises because we are both wounded – it can be difficult to come to a place of common understanding unless one person has done inner work to address and resolve trauma wounds.
The deep rooted abandonment I have felt from my direct family, and many others has been the fodder for me to work on healing my wounds. At the end of the day, I don’t need you to like or love me and you don’t need me to like or love you either. The only opinion that matters in the room, ever, is your opinion of you. Be guided by this quote: “Other people’s opinions of you are none of your business” by Wayne Dyer.
A question that remains for me is: Do I need to consciously communicate with the other? I think the answer varies depending on many factors. There was a friend with whom I had lost touch in 2019. I was feeling badly about the disconnection. The reality is I have hung on to friends for dear life because of my rejection wound – a deep sense of insecurity that seemed wired into every cell of my body. I have been in therapy, taken many courses, etc to heal and feel worthy to be with you on the planet. And I would hang on to unhealthy relationships far too long. Upon learning of my mom’s declining health, my estranged friend sent me a beautiful text after 5 years:
“Hello Christina, I think about you often. I know we’ve lost touch with each other, and I miss our connection. I am so sorry to hear about your mom’s decline I health. I would like to see you sometime when you’re visiting if you might have some time to meet. I know you have a lot to juggle and I would do what I could to make it easy for you. I’d love to hear from you if you feel the same.”
It was a beautiful message sent from her heart to mine. A heartfelt opening. A hug. A hand reaching across the table. No blame, shame or guilt. Just an expression of truth. May we all heal one text, letter, card, e-mail, message and conversation at a time.
Sending you love your way,
Dr. Chris. ND
